Sometimes this world crushes me beneath a rubble of dreams that haven't come true, feelings of inadequacy, awareness of lack - a host of poisonous thoughts that I find easy to succumb to. My melancholy and confusion are like a veil before my mind, fogging it up so I cannot see. It turns into a vicious circle of resentment against myself for being so lazy and dispirited that I never seen to progress beyond my starting point. Where am I going? I ask myself. Where have I been? What have I done? Is there anything of my life worth preserving? Have I been using up space on this planet that someone more worthy could make better use of? It gets pretty bad - these negative feelings trip me, drain my energy, darken the day.
Despite this, I'm actually very happy. I have a wonderful home, a terrific husband, and adequate income. Yet at times the ego nudges me and insists that I listen to its maniacal rantings, its spotlighting the things I HAVEN'T done with my life, its reminder that I'm more than halfway DEAD! Oh, the bleakness, the fear, the dread that pollutes my thoughts when I listen!
"When you are sad, KNOW THIS NEED NOT BE. Depression comes from a sense of being deprived of something you want and do not have. Remember that you are deprived of NOTHING except by your own decisions and then DECIDE OTHERWISE."
ACIM Text pg. 63
"Watch your mind for the temptations of the ego, and do not be deceived by it. It offers you nothing. When you have given up this voluntary dispiriting, you will see how your mind can focus and rise above fatigue and heal. Yet you are not sufficiently vigilant against the demands of the ego to disengage yourself. THIS NEED NOT BE.
The habit of engaging with God and His creations is easily made if you actively refuse to let your mind slip away. The problem is not one of concentration; it is the belief that no one, including yourself, is worth consistent effort. Side with me consistently against this deception, and do not permit this shabby belief to pull you back. The disheartened are useless to themselves and to me, but only the ego can BE disheartened."
ACIM text pg. 63-64
Jesus says my feelings of depression are voluntary; once again, we create the world we see. Don't I already know that? How many times must Jesus remind me? Why do I insist on going it alone, ignoring his outstretched hand of help?
Don't I already know that this world where I think I am - but am not - offers me nothing, and that any path I choose, no matter how satisfying and wonderful it appears at the time, will lead me to nothing but despair as long as it is IN THIS WORLD?
"The roads this world can offer seem to be quite large in number, but the time must come when everyone begins to see how like they are to one another. Men have died on seeing this, because they saw no way except the pathways offered by the world. And learning they led nowhere, lost their hope. And yet this was the time they could have learned their greatest lesson. All must reach this point, and go beyond it. It is true indeed there is no choice at all within the world. But this is not the lesson in itself. The lesson has a purpose, and in this you come to understand what it is for.
The learning that the world can offer but one choice, no matter what its form may be, is the beginning of acceptance that there is a real alternative instead. To fight against this step is to defeat your purpose here. You did not come to learn to find a road the world does not contain. The search for different pathways in the world is but the search for different forms of truth. And this would KEEP the truth from being reached."
ACIM text pg. 653-654
How insane it is for me to believe that any kind of peace can be found in this world! There is no better example of this than the billionaire who recently committed suicide because he lost so much money on the investments he made with Madof, that now he is only a MILLIONAIRE! He only has $500 million left! How insane is this world that we think we live in!
My alternative choice is not of this world. I can only see one world at a time -- this world of illusions, or the world of TRUTH: God's world, the world where my Identity has always been and always WILL be, no matter what the ego tries to tell me! I am perfect as I am, whole and perfect, even if my perfection and holiness may remain out of my conscious awareness.
If I am to progress on the pathway toward finding the truth, I know I must remain vigilant in my study of the course. I WILL get there; God has promised me that, and He has provided me help - Jesus and the Holy Spirit. The course is not difficult, but I must remain willing to learn it and abide by Jesus' direction in it. I sense a hint of sarcasm when Jesus says:
"To you who seem to find this course to be too difficult to learn, let me repeat that to achieve a goal you must proceed in its direction, not away from it. And every road that leads the other way will not advance the purpose to be found. If this be difficult to understand, then is this course impossible to learn. But only then. For otherwise, it is a simple teaching in the obvious."
ACIM text pg. 654-655
Obviously, I must move in the direction Jesus leads through the course. Alright, Jesus, I get the message loud and clear!